Studies show that it takes 6 months to 2 years for the sexual attraction to fade in a long term relationship. There was even a theatre play written by Beigbeder named ‘Love Lasts 3 Years’. He was actually referring to the sexual attraction, but many people mistaken the attraction and attachment for love.
Dad said I’m an idealist, but I believe that love, attraction and passion can continue to grow in a long term relationship as long as they are nourished.
Here are a few essential principles to be followed by both partners for love to keep on expanding.
1. Your own healing and personal alignment is your number one priority for each of you.
Do not enter a relationship if you do not know how to make yourself happy. If you wish to have a healthy relationship, because each person is fighting their own battles, it is recommended that you live by yourself for a little while, so that you have the chance to know yourself better, to understand what you prefer, what you need and to have time and space to focus on your own healing. Sometimes people tell me: I feel like ‘I`m stuck, I’m 35 years old and no relationship…I want a family, but it feels like nothing comes together.’ That’s when I ask: And isn’t this lovely? Isn’t it lovely that the universe does not offer you a blocked partner like you are at the moment, so that you do not make yourselves miserable as soon the ‘butterflies’ fly away? If your desperate request would become a reality your partner that you would receive right now would be nothing like what you wished for. You would just blame each other for your misery, blocking your personal evolution. So then I ask again: Isn’t it lovely that you have this respiro moment in which you find yourself, you have time to go to the gym, to heal yourself to improve your communication, mental clarity or vision about life? Choose to focus on your personal growth and the universe will give you, when you are ready, the partner you so much asked for. And when you get it, make sure to always remain focused on your personal growth and development of the magnificent human being that you are. Make sure to communicate and respect your standards very clearly.
2. Focus on what you love about each other.
Just as in children’s education, discourage by not giving too much attention to the traits or subjects you do not like and appreciate and praise the things you like about each other, on a daily basis. Ask yourself questions like: what did I do so well to deserve a partner as wonderful as you are? Before going to bed, underline 3 things that you appreciate at your partner in that day. These exercises might seem a bit forced in the beginning, but continue doing them and they will become a natural way of interacting for your and your partner. On the other side, if something made you feel hurt, communicate firmly how that situation made you feel. It is your job to give the feedback and it is your partner’s job how he will react.
3. Mutual respect and communication!
I learned from my parents that any issues can be overcame as long as there is mutual respect and communication. In my lifetime I never heard my parents cursing each other or offending each other, not even through sarcasm, even if they obviously had their misunderstandings. There are obvious reasons why communication is important, especially if you are looking for a deep sense of connection with your partner. Here is a full article about communication. The respect however, i feel like it is not receiving enough consideration, when it comes to keys for a happy relationship. Respect means understanding that every person has free will, wishes, different standards, needs and respecting all of that. I think that as long as both partners respect the commitment they took and they respect each other as ever evolving human beings, they will avoid hurting each other and they will be able to grow and evolve together in a healthy environment where love can flourish.
4. Invest wisely!
Just as in a business partnership, a romantic relationship needs investment as well. And here is the paradox that will blow your mind: as you invest further you become more and more attached to the relationship – the more you invest the more attach you are.
I call it a paradox because you might think that if you invest your time and money more, do more acts of kindness or service for your partner you will be more appreciated and your partner will fall in love with you. What actually happens is: the more you invest, the more you fall in love with your partner.
Just to clarify, when I say investment I am referring to all the actions that we do for the couple to exist: all the money, time, actions and services we do for our couple or for our partner. What often happens in a couple and people are not aware of it is that their investment is very different in terms of quantity and quality. Usually the most detached partner will invest the least and the one who is more attached will invest more. While is perfectly normal to be different, it is not normal to over-invest just because your partner doesn’t do it. So next time you see your partner being more detached than a healthy relationship would require, take the time and talk about his lack of investment which translates into lack of interest. Sit aside and ask him about his intentions concerning your relationship and if you find out that he is interested and wants to make the relationship work, guide him and support him through the things you guys need to do together as a couple or separate, but for the benefit of the relationship. Encourage him to invest as well, that’s it, no fights, no nagging, just give him space and encourage every step he does towards putting energy into making the relationship work. Plus, you don’t have to do the same things as we are all different – some might help on the service side, others might help on the financial part and others might be there for you with kind words and encouragements everyday. Each person has his own primary love language (out of 5 different types) and each can express love differently.
5. Spend quality time together and connect emotionally every time you can. Sex is good for connecting, so keep it going, but always pay attention to the foreplay, because that’s when you actually create an emotional bond before the physical one.
6. Remember that we are dynamic human beings and that we are never wrong, because we are never done. There are only shorter or longer ways to reach your goals. So be gentle with yourself and your partner, focus on your qualities more than you focus on your vulnerabilities.
7. Keep a balance between the time spent together and the activities you do separately.
Time alone is beneficial and essential in a healthy relationship. With every separate experience you will have a new idea or experience to share and this will make your interaction more fresh and delicious.
8. Identify your deepest needs and speak up about them.
Don’t exaggerate, but nobody can deny that after awhile, at some point, we might feel attracted by someone else. This may actually happen when one of the 4 needs are not anymore met in the couple. Tony Robbins says that there are 6 basic human needs and when 4 out of the 6 needs are met, we are happy being with the person or the thing that satisfies our needs. When we feel attraction towards someone else it means that one of the 4 needs is not met anymore that’s why we try to satisfy it in a different place or with a different person. So, instead of going through infidelity, just discuss the needs openly in the couple and find ways to satisfy them inside the relationship. However, remember always that your own needs and wounds are your own responsibility and it’s your quest to heal yourself. Your partner is there to support you in this process, but it’s never healthy to expect him to do more for your problems than you do to align yourself. So if he is there for you while you are sorting things out with yourself, always remember to appreciate his willingness to be by your side, even in delicate situations.
The 6 basic needs by Tony Robbins are:
2. Insecurity (surprise, variety, unexpected)
3. Significance – the need to be important / appreciated
4. Love and Connection
5. Growth – personal and spiritual development
You can find more details about this subject in here.
Romantic relationships are an eternal subject present daily in our lives – even by its absence. Many articles were written on this topic, but I hope you will find at least one valuable piece of information that will help you create better, healthier and happier relationships.